There are times when I am a lot more expressive than I am now. Not always, but there sure are times. Today is not one of those times - obviously. However, I did want to share a bit of my state of mind all the same. I decided to do so, by quoting one of Nietzsche's best known lines.
"That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Saturday, December 11, 2010
A thousand words
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Then, how much words is a graph worth?
I don't know, but I bet there's still a couple hundred in there.
I am not claiming you will be able to find out much about these words, but they are in there. My soul is in there.
*disclaimer*: The graph is all about estimations and how well I remember things. I by no means claim it to be precise. The general ideas are all factual though. Oh, and note, the last dot isn't in there yet, simply because I didn't know how to score it.
Friday, December 10, 2010
A few questions
Even though, a long time ago, I started this blog after realising that a blog was in fact the next generation of diaries, I am not really one to write openly about my feelings. Whenever I do write about my feelings, I always obfuscate so that it won't be all that easy to see what is going on.
Right now, there's a lot going on. However, I don't think I can obfuscate it properly - where properly means it's not just gibberish to anyone who reads it, while at the same time, it shouldn't be to clear to some who might read it. Nevertheless, I wanted to write something, so here goes.
What is happiness?
When is life good?
What do you consider important?
What do you want to do?
I haven't written much, but I think I have put more feeling into it than I wanted already. Well, what's written is written, but I am not going to write more. We'll just see where this boat is going to strand (for the second - and hopefully final - time that is, the first time we just fixed the boat and got back in the water...)
Right now, there's a lot going on. However, I don't think I can obfuscate it properly - where properly means it's not just gibberish to anyone who reads it, while at the same time, it shouldn't be to clear to some who might read it. Nevertheless, I wanted to write something, so here goes.
What is happiness?
When is life good?
What do you consider important?
What do you want to do?
I haven't written much, but I think I have put more feeling into it than I wanted already. Well, what's written is written, but I am not going to write more. We'll just see where this boat is going to strand (for the second - and hopefully final - time that is, the first time we just fixed the boat and got back in the water...)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
When the chapter finally closes
Sometimes dreams do come true.
However, your dreams may turn out to be something quite different from what you thought it to be.
As Mark Rosewatter once wrote: "infatuation is an important rite of adolescence". Now, by no means do I claim I am an adolescent as I write this - nor do I claim that how things happened to me is in any way similar to how they happen to most people, but this is a story about an infatuation.
It's been quite a while since I got to the stage where I was "over" the girl in question. That is, the point where I could honestly say I wasn't in love with her any longer. But that was not where it ended, that was not where this chapter closed.
Oh, believe me, I am not talking about a period in which I was lovesick or even thought about her. No that had indeed passed. However, I still saw the girl from time to time and also from time to time there was some tension - or at least there was tension from my point of view, this really doesn't mean it was also there from hers. I knew I was on thin ice. Saying that I carried a torch for her pretty much covered it.
One day, when I was thinking about how this chapter just had not closed yet for me, I realized when it would be closed. It would be closed when the time came that she asked me how I felt about her and I could tell her that some things best remain a mystery (or something less cheesy and obvious in the same vain). It was a stupid thing to think that such a conversation would come to pass - after all, that's just not how conversations work.
Sometimes dreams do come true.
And indeed no such conversation was ever held. Nevertheless, I recently had an encounter with the girl which makes me believe this chapter has finally closed. I saw her as an attractive girl - an attractive girl and no more than that. And we may not have had an explicit conversation about this, but I acted like that as well. And I knew this was no lie.
However, your dreams may turn out to be something quite different from what you thought it to be.
I knew this because inside of me there was absolutely no difference between her and another attractive girl that was there at the moment. It took a while before I realized, but this was the "conversation" I had dreamed about. The chapter had finally closed.
When you are a straight boy and someone else is an attractive girl there is a chance that something happens. I would consider this extremely unlikely to be the way things turn out. But I can have the peace of mind that if the universe pulls a joke on me and that is the way all of this turns out, it will be in a new chapter, not in the closing act of this one; that closing act has passed already.
However, your dreams may turn out to be something quite different from what you thought it to be.
As Mark Rosewatter once wrote: "infatuation is an important rite of adolescence". Now, by no means do I claim I am an adolescent as I write this - nor do I claim that how things happened to me is in any way similar to how they happen to most people, but this is a story about an infatuation.
It's been quite a while since I got to the stage where I was "over" the girl in question. That is, the point where I could honestly say I wasn't in love with her any longer. But that was not where it ended, that was not where this chapter closed.
Oh, believe me, I am not talking about a period in which I was lovesick or even thought about her. No that had indeed passed. However, I still saw the girl from time to time and also from time to time there was some tension - or at least there was tension from my point of view, this really doesn't mean it was also there from hers. I knew I was on thin ice. Saying that I carried a torch for her pretty much covered it.
One day, when I was thinking about how this chapter just had not closed yet for me, I realized when it would be closed. It would be closed when the time came that she asked me how I felt about her and I could tell her that some things best remain a mystery (or something less cheesy and obvious in the same vain). It was a stupid thing to think that such a conversation would come to pass - after all, that's just not how conversations work.
Sometimes dreams do come true.
And indeed no such conversation was ever held. Nevertheless, I recently had an encounter with the girl which makes me believe this chapter has finally closed. I saw her as an attractive girl - an attractive girl and no more than that. And we may not have had an explicit conversation about this, but I acted like that as well. And I knew this was no lie.
However, your dreams may turn out to be something quite different from what you thought it to be.
I knew this because inside of me there was absolutely no difference between her and another attractive girl that was there at the moment. It took a while before I realized, but this was the "conversation" I had dreamed about. The chapter had finally closed.
When you are a straight boy and someone else is an attractive girl there is a chance that something happens. I would consider this extremely unlikely to be the way things turn out. But I can have the peace of mind that if the universe pulls a joke on me and that is the way all of this turns out, it will be in a new chapter, not in the closing act of this one; that closing act has passed already.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Friday - the day of inspiration
It's friday night. The moment of the week I drink the most alcohol, and also the moment of the week I am pretty creative. Just like I wrote the post two before this one on a Friday night.
Anyway, that's also the moment I think of my blog. Don't know why I think of my blog on Fridays, but I do.
I do have quite a lot of stories to tell: ugtech.net is back after having been gone for a while, I signed up with a new host, Marek is releasing his DVD, I am busy with a PHP project, I found some new music to listen to and there was a student strike today. I really should write more on my blog - as I just said, I have way more than enough material to write about. So I will try to tell you about it in the near future, even though I don't feel like telling all about it right now.
For now, just consider the following surge of creativity:
Editor's note: Please note that I wrote this when it was very late and I had had quite a couple of beers. Even though I was quite aware of what I did, the following piece was influenced by both factors. Though the general idea of these feelings - I'll leave it up to you what the idea is - are really true, but the specific subject I wrote about is bothering me a lot less in daily life than this piece may make it seem. Alcohol and tiredness - and not having anything else on my mind - (almost) inevitably lead to me thinking about it, though.
Messed up.
It's still messed up.
Even when she's not there.
Even when she is far away from here.
I still can't stop thinking of her.
Perfect - good = still good.
So still I should try.
Having a good life.
Without her.
The best.
Make the best.
Get all of it you can.
I should not be stuck in my mind.
Move on and find some other girl, I should.
Even if you're still up there.
You're not leaving.
Won't forget.
Drowning.
Drowning in work.
I drown myself in projects.
Just so I don't have to face the reality.
A bit of PHP here, some C++ there.
All as a goal of life.
It's my way.
Survive.
Anyway, that's also the moment I think of my blog. Don't know why I think of my blog on Fridays, but I do.
I do have quite a lot of stories to tell: ugtech.net is back after having been gone for a while, I signed up with a new host, Marek is releasing his DVD, I am busy with a PHP project, I found some new music to listen to and there was a student strike today. I really should write more on my blog - as I just said, I have way more than enough material to write about. So I will try to tell you about it in the near future, even though I don't feel like telling all about it right now.
For now, just consider the following surge of creativity:
Editor's note: Please note that I wrote this when it was very late and I had had quite a couple of beers. Even though I was quite aware of what I did, the following piece was influenced by both factors. Though the general idea of these feelings - I'll leave it up to you what the idea is - are really true, but the specific subject I wrote about is bothering me a lot less in daily life than this piece may make it seem. Alcohol and tiredness - and not having anything else on my mind - (almost) inevitably lead to me thinking about it, though.
Messed up.
It's still messed up.
Even when she's not there.
Even when she is far away from here.
I still can't stop thinking of her.
Perfect - good = still good.
So still I should try.
Having a good life.
Without her.
The best.
Make the best.
Get all of it you can.
I should not be stuck in my mind.
Move on and find some other girl, I should.
Even if you're still up there.
You're not leaving.
Won't forget.
Drowning.
Drowning in work.
I drown myself in projects.
Just so I don't have to face the reality.
A bit of PHP here, some C++ there.
All as a goal of life.
It's my way.
Survive.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Words reflecting what I feel
Today's post and the last post are both more of a vaguer type, that not necessarily every reader (if any) understands. When I started my blog, I was thinking of both this type and the one I have been using before. I wanted to give them different colors to separate them, but I never got about doing that. Maybe I will some time later, but until that moment you will have to do with me telling what kind it is.
(by the way I don't plan on using only this type from now on, I will be using whatever type suits the moment)
Three times in fifteen minutes,
but still there is this cloud.
This cloud that forbids,
this clouds that blocks.
This cloud, however cannot block my feelings,
which I sometimes hope it would.
It's good not to be lost,
to still have your feelings.
It's better, though, to move on
and I wish I could.
(by the way I don't plan on using only this type from now on, I will be using whatever type suits the moment)
Three times in fifteen minutes,
but still there is this cloud.
This cloud that forbids,
this clouds that blocks.
This cloud, however cannot block my feelings,
which I sometimes hope it would.
It's good not to be lost,
to still have your feelings.
It's better, though, to move on
and I wish I could.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
"Mono/Dia"logue
Just some random thought of mine:
"I told myself to stop, but I'm not listening"
"Why do I not stop, if I tell myself to do so?"
"I don't know, ask me, I should know"
"Do I know where I am?"
"I'm here"
"So... why were you not listening to yourself when you were told to stop?"
"I guess it was just really hard to stop, the chips were way too tasty"
"Please go say sorry to myself, I really need to make this up with me"
"Okey, I will. By the way, I will stop right now as well"
"That's good of me. So did I stop?"
"Yeah, I did. Did I also tell myself to say sorry to me? I spontaneously did"
"I did, good of me that I did listen this time and that I went to say sorry at once"
"True, true, but do I know why I did not listen?"
"The chips were too tasty"
(hint: it's really three conversation between three people (B - C, C - A, C- B) that are all me. If you want to decipher it, go ahead. If you don't, just don't even try.)
"I told myself to stop, but I'm not listening"
"Why do I not stop, if I tell myself to do so?"
"I don't know, ask me, I should know"
"Do I know where I am?"
"I'm here"
"So... why were you not listening to yourself when you were told to stop?"
"I guess it was just really hard to stop, the chips were way too tasty"
"Please go say sorry to myself, I really need to make this up with me"
"Okey, I will. By the way, I will stop right now as well"
"That's good of me. So did I stop?"
"Yeah, I did. Did I also tell myself to say sorry to me? I spontaneously did"
"I did, good of me that I did listen this time and that I went to say sorry at once"
"True, true, but do I know why I did not listen?"
"The chips were too tasty"
(hint: it's really three conversation between three people (B - C, C - A, C- B) that are all me. If you want to decipher it, go ahead. If you don't, just don't even try.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)